I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
