watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
