he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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