remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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