There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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