Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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