My nipple is on Facebook.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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