he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
