he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
