Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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