mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
