I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
