When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
