If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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