I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
