Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize