Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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