fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm getting married
To pizza
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
