Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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