Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
