Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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