my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
