Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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