He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
