Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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