True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
