Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
