I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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