Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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