I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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