Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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