my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
