I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
