How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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