The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
