Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize