our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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