My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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