The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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