Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
