Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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