If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
