mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We got so high we made milksteak
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
