just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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