You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
