I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
