areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize