Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
