I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
