if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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