I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
