Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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