when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
