My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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