That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
