Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
