one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize