WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
