The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
