Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
