life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
