i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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